Craving

Let's just forget about last week, okay? Several days of me feeling just awful and thinking it would never end. It's nice to have come out of that. But eating and drinking continue to be a struggle. I have to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients and a good balance as well. Mostly I need protein. Soon I'll have to do a full nutritional analysis of my diet and adjust everything accordingly. After the past few days, I'm happy to simply ingest anything at all.

One thing that I've read and heard time and again is that foods that work one day, may not then next. I'm starting to discover the reality of that. One thing that I started early on is those Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. They were awesome and really packed a lot of nutrients into 8 ounces of liquid. Plus since it is liquid, I feel like I can take less time between the eating and drinking when that is the eating part.

I figured I wouldn't be able to drink the whole glass at once, but on the first day, the first half went down so easily and quickly that I finished the whole 8 oz. Then every day I had it, which was most, I would drink the whole glass in one sitting! Now don't get me wrong, one sitting would take 45 minutes to an hour! But it seems now, I just can't take them, they make me feel awful. Before I abandon them for a while, I'm gonna cut back to 4oz at a time.

My general overall discovery of the past few days is that I have been eating too much at a time, that being about half as much as normal; now I have to eat even less. I realized I have to be militant with myself as well. I've taken to setting a timer as soon as I am finished eating something, say, four crackers with peanut butter and banana slices or drinking 4 ounces of Vitamin Water/water mix. So that as soon as 30 minutes elapse, I'm ingesting the next thing. What I've realized is that I need to start making things to eat before the timer goes off, because that's when I should be eating.

So really the majority of my day is spent preparing things to consume and then actually consuming them. And these seem to be issues that only make sense to those who have to deal with them. Reading about and hearing people discuss these things previously left me skeptical. Does one really have to remember to eat and drink? Do you really spend ALL DAY consumed with the trivialities of eating and drinking? Can this actually make a person want to pull their hair out?

Well now I know. Yes. Yes. And OMG YES!

I've always been into cooking shows and Food Network, Top Chef and stuff like that. Now I have a love/hate relationship with all that. On one hand, I'm still an aspiring "foodie" but at the same time, right now there's not a lot I can eat; either by volume or from a varietal perspective. So sometimes it's tough to watch.

Friday I woke from my nap craving a particular sandwich. I wasn't really sure but I envisioned something like an Italian Hoagie only more like a grinder and without the lettuce. Then, going to sleep last night, I was watching that Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives show. Ordinarily, the food on that show is just slightly on the wrong side of unhealthy for my tastes, but I was loving the items featured on this episode. I started analyzing the ingredients to see if they would be okay to eat and then plotting as to how I could get my hands on something close to it and how far would I have to travel and how soon could I go. Like a crazy person. "Someday . . . sooooomeday!"

Well yesterday, we got take-out from a pizza shop and Dan ordered me an Italian Special grinder with no lettuce. Aside from the fact I was drinking when he brought it home and I had to finish the glass (20 minutes) and then wait for that to settle through (30 minutes), it simply didn't unfold the way I had envisioned it.

Dan got me a small one which was still way bigger than I can eat in one sitting. I went to cut a reasonably sized piece off, so I cut one of the halves in half, right? Well as I was cutting it, I realized the roll, while perfect for this sandwich, was going to be too hard for me to chew up properly and I had to separate the sandwich. Next I remembered all the sausagy meats on an Italian sandwich. I'm still avoiding this kind of food as there's "too much going on" in sausage and I need more time before I attempt it. So I removed the pepperoni and anything else that appeared sausagy. I was left with a little pile of basically ham/capicolla with melted cheese and a tiny bit of sliced red onion and tomato. Which was fine and I cut it into tiny bites and chewed them well and everything went down well, no problems afterwards. But . . . It just didn't satisfy that craving I had earlier.

I think what I am missing isn't any kind of food itself but simply the manner in which we eat. When you think of a hoagie or a cheesesteak, you think of holding your food in your hand and chomping savory bites, nom-nom-nom. Cutting a pile of ham with a knife and fork and then taking dainty bites just isn't the same!

Someday . . . sooooooomeday, I will nosh on a cheesesteak. Well, maybe half a cheesesteak. I will hold it in my hand, not cut it into little bites. It will be a pizza steak with mushrooms AND onions. And extra cheese. And I will be able to take a bite out of it. Roll and everything!